The original title I had in the coming months prior to writing this was "Year: Three" or something like that. This was to mark the three years that it has been since I decided to pursue composition. The decision for the current title was made about two minutes ago (on 5th May) as I began typing the first words of the paragraph under the title "Year: Three". 

"Joel Tan, the unlikely composer..." were the words muttered by a music teacher I had in the first year of Junior College (JC) that came back to visit us after he left. I was in my second year of JC during his visit; about a year had passed during his absence. It was during this time I decided to take composition seriously and had told him I was going to apply to the conservatory during his visit. These words, I think, were founded on his experiences teaching me, how I was comparatively weaker to my batchmates in the music cohort, mixing up my expression definitions, and playing atonal Chopin. 

Many of you that know me personally, would definitely have heard me yap drone on about how I lived my two years of music in JC struggling to catch up. Since then, I would like to think I am a better musician. The first year was filled with much doubt, but also much excitement, like an explorer discovering the infinite possibilities within a realm of expansive and intricate knowledge. 

I graduated JC and enlisted into the army in my second year of this journey, fresh out of the academic rubrics that judged my compositions. This period was tough for different reasons: I had very little guidance and direction for what my music should sound like, and I had barely any connections to anyone outside of my school. I sought to my growing social circle for discussions, ideas and critic. I tried to improve my craft by attending seminars and concerts whenever the conservatory had them, meeting more friends, seniors, mentors, and teachers.  One of the symposiums at the conservatory led me to lunch with most of composition department, and some of them would go on to influence my thoughts and perspectives even up till now. Maybe the real knowledge was the friends we made along the way?

In January 2023, I had somehow managed to organise a concert with a bunch of my friends. The concert gave me much insight on working professionally with people, and also showed me many areas of improvement I had. But I also realised how capable I can be despite still being an infant in the industry. Indeed, the Menagerie concert was another milestone for my personal development. 

By this point I was in the midst of preparations for my conservatory audition. The story itself is another wild ride, but I shall not go into full details. The day involved Subway sandwiches, borrowed stationary, and a professor asking me to imagine a scene in a dark room (I told him I couldn't see anything because it's dark). I eventually received my acceptance letter into the Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music about a month after. Bit by bit, it seemed like my life was really coming along together. 

I spent a great deal of March 2023 - March 2024 bettering my craft and learning from my seniors at the conservatory. I felt myself growing, yet much too absorbed by improvement to really enjoy the process. Sometimes concerts felt more like "was this piece good" rather than "did I enjoy listening". I was lost in the academisation of anything and everything, which did not helping my self-esteem. 

Following my release from military service in March 2024, I took a step back to avoid feeling sian of university life before it even started (I auditioned during army in March 2023; school would start in Aug 2024). I spent my April to July 2024 working, travelling, and overall having a pretty good time, except the working part! Now that school is starting in about a week or so I am hoping to get back on track and continue to grow. 

In my first (academic) year at YST I will try to work on simple and effective elements, to avoid overcomplicating things, and ultimately refine my fundamentals. Identity is something I will also prioritise, as I feel it needs to come through somehow in the music for it to really be my music. 

To anyone that has made is thus far, thank you for taking the time to read, relate, or even trying to judge/criticise my person. I hope any fellow young(er) Singaporean composer can take away something from this, and would like to wish anyone who needs it all the best in their compositional journey. 

Joel Tan